Thursday, July 2, 2009

Almost There

Tomorrow is the big day. I will be 50 and I am looking forward to it. It's exciting because I began this blog with trepidation. I have learned a lot...about blogs...about human nature...and about myself. I have learned that most of my friends do not know how to follow a blog or do not want to follow a blog. That's okay. I have learned that I am only speaking to a few people out there in the world. That's okay, too. I have learned so much about myself and what I am capable of. I have been steering myself onto a new path for several months now and I am very happy about where I am headed. I have been writing more. I have a job writing. I am applying for a writing/book proposal job. I have been knitting an awful lot and have learned things about knitting that I didn't know I needed to learn. I am happy in a way that I didn't believe could be possible and I am happy to be becoming 50 tomorrow.

I have also learned that I have fabulous, fantastic, fun, friends and I am forever grateful for them in my life. Scientists have proven that satisfaction in life depends on a strong support system of friends, family, community, and place. You have to work at it, but it's so worth it to be satisfied and happy in this life. Hurray!!

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Here and Now

I have been thinking a lot about Michael Jackson this weekend. His songs have been running through my mind all day long. I think it's because so many people in the world are singing and playing his music right now. I didn't think about Michael Jackson at all until he died. For me, the real Michael Jackson faded away along with his dark skin, wide nose, and curly hair. He was so handsome. I wish he could have loved himself the way he was born.

Seeing so many people outside and celebrating Michael's life and music is touching. Masses of people singing his songs, enjoying what he created. I wish Michael could have seen this. It wasn't screaming fans, crying fans, reaching fans. It was an outdoor party with Michael's music as the theme. I know he would have felt the love from people all over the world and been touched. He wouldn't have to give any more...he could just receive the love.

Remember to tell people you care for and love how you feel about them. If you can't say it in words, say it in your actions. Do it now, while you are both here to have the experience. It's so sad when people are gone from this earth and we want to say so many things, things we didn't say. I am lucky to have learned this lesson long ago and I strive to be forthcoming with my friends and family now. You never know the difference you make when you tell someone they are loved. You could even save a life.

Monday, June 22, 2009


I was thinking the other day that even though I have been bracing for fifty, I do not want to say out loud to anyone that I am fifty years old. I just can't bring myself to admit it. Maybe when I actually have my birthday on July 3rd, I will feel obligated to state my age, but only if asked! I am a very honest person and just don't want to out and out lie about my age. I'm thinking about holding on at 48. But then, that goes against what I am trying to accomplish, which is a life of continuous learning, growth, and internal beauty. I want to be an example for others and show that getting older is a great achievement. I must work at getting older gracefully. I must work to be healthy, to exercise, eat right, keep up with current events, read history, teach what I know, be kind to others. Every day I can lead the kind of life that I will be proud of when it's time to say goodbye to this earth. I want to live every day that way.

My cousin died of breast cancer at age 40. She was so happy to have lived that long. Her mother, my aunt, died of the same thing before she reached 40. My cousin was an art teacher. She taught and influenced so many young people in her life. She died too young, of course, but she lived a good and a purposeful life. That is how I choose to live.

Becoming fifty years old will be an honor and a privilege. I vow to live with purpose and kindness in my heart. I will embrace the years. I will dance and sing towards 60, 70, 80 and beyond.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

The Weather

Why do we talk so much about the weather? In the grocery store, making a purchase, waiting in line. It's one of those topics that everyone can relate to. Isn't the weather nice today? Not too hot yet, is it? Did you notice the nice breeze? I am one of those people who notices the weather. I'm a bit worried that it's an "old person" thing but my experience says, no. We are all interested in today's weather. But why?

Obviously, if you're traveling, it's important to know what you're flying or driving towards, to be prepared. Or what you have to look forward to, what to pack. Have you ever planned your day around the weather? Postponed a short drive when the rain is flooding the streets, or canceled an outdoor event because the day would just be too darn hot?

My mood is often influenced by the weather. I wonder if that's biological and if our ancient ancestors felt the same way. If the weather is rainy or harsh, we want to stay inside. Makes sense. If the weather is pleasant and sunny, we want to feel the sunshine on our skin and enjoy whatever is outside. I live in a place where it is often sunny and warm but I am not an outside person. The things I love to do, I love to do inside.

When I left Southern California 22 years ago, I was so tired of the overcast days of summer. I was angry! It's June! I wanted to be at the beach in the morning enjoying the sunshiny summer days, but that is exactly the time for overcast skies. We called it June Gloom. Phoenix in June is almost bearable. It's getting pretty hot, but you can still grab some coolness in the early morning and later evenings. The problem is that I know my summer isn't going to get any better. It's going to get so hot that I will be stashed inside my house like a ground squirrel in a hidey hole. I only venture out when I have to drive a kid somewhere or buy groceries.

So why do I hate the hot weather so much? I think it's because the rest of the country is enjoying being outside and we in Phoenix are experiencing cabin fever. I also think that I prefer a more moderate temperature. But then, doesn't everyone? Extreme hot and extreme cold are dangerous to human life and if we aren't prepared, we could die. Ah ha! We need to know what the weather will be like so we won't succumb to the elements and die! That's biology based , don't you think?

We are all submissive to the weather. We can't change it, we're getting better at predicting it, but ultimately we can merely observe it and behave accordingly. If I could choose a place to live based on the weather, I would choose more rain, not much snow, breezy, and just enough sunshine to keep me from going crazy. I wonder if can google that.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

What I don't want

Facial hair - my teenage boys look forward to it - I do not. For boys, facial hair is a sign of maturity, becoming a man. For me, facial hair is a sign of maturity, becoming an old crone! Seriously, why do women have to go through this? I am not one to fret about body hair. I am not waxing my brows, my legs, my...etc. It's one thing to deal with extra body hair; it's not usually that noticeable. But hairs on my face? That's where people look the most! Where do women learn how to deal with these things? Do I pluck? Shave? Wax? Bleach? Truthfully, I don't want to have to deal with it at all. So, next time I'm hugging my son and he says, "Nice moustache, Mom," I guess I'll just smile and say, "Jealous?"

Thursday, May 14, 2009


Did you know that when you approach 50 you get an invitation to join AARP? I'm intrigued by the discounts but saying I'm a member makes me sound so - OLD. But as a budget conscious consumer, how can I not join? Borders is having a special weekend for AARP members right now - 20% off when you flash your card. I am just getting used to the idea that I will be 50 and that it doesn't matter. Do I really want to show my AARP card to the handsome young man at the bookstore? Well, let me take that back. There are NO handsome young men working at the bookstore. The employees seem slightly unattractive, certainly off-beat. (And to think that I often consider a job at the bookstore.) I'm not particularly interested in AARP's political position, although, as a member, I suppose I should be. I listened to the former CEO interviewed on Diane Rehm and some of the callers were so adamant that they would not become members because of things AARP had done. Frankly, they had me at the discount. So, perhaps I can take pleasure in my secret card carrying status and only flaunt my membership when it truly matters - in the check-out line.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Something new

I had to take a day to sort my thoughts...I had so many. They were going in all directions and some of them were negative. You wouldn't believe how many messages I received in the shows I watched, what I read, what I received in the mail. When you're open and searching, the answers can be found.

So it's this - live the life you want to live now. Sure, we all have obligations, but we can do small things to make our lives more interesting. I am going to try a martini. I really don't drink alcohol but my dad drank martinis and I'm thinking, Hey, if not now, when? Do I want a gin martini or a vodka martini? I may have to try both! The point is...what have I been waiting for? I don't really want a martini; I just want the experience of having tried the martini.

I've been living like I will do that when I'm...what? Older? Well, I'm older now, baby! I am definitely a grown-up and can do what I choose to do. So, what do I choose to do? I'm making a list of things I want to do in the next 5 years, 10 years. Perhaps I'll set some closer goals - in the next month, 6 months, year. I'm getting excited about the possibilities. Because once I know what my goals are, I can achieve them. I'm figuring out my goals and going for it. Face the fear!

Monday, April 20, 2009


There's a hummingbird nest in a tree in our front yard. My husband found it when he was trimming the tree and a branch he had cut down had a tiny nest attached to it. The birds were inside laying on their backs waiting for their mom to stuff their beaks with regurgitated nourishment. When the trimming was done, my husband secured the cut branch onto another branch in the tree and we waited to see if the mother would find her babies again. She did! Now, you can see my husband daily watching the nest through his binoculars making sure those baby birds are okay. Well, they are. They are now upright in the nest always looking and waiting for Mom to bring them food.

I've been watching the mother hummingbird. Suddenly, she's in sight, hovering around the tree. She darts around as if she doesn't know where the nest is. Then, she's hovering over her babies, opening her beak into theirs, doing her job. When she's done, she flies to another branch further away and rests. You don't often see a hummingbird resting. They are so tiny and slender. I marvel that the nest is only big enough for the two babies who are squeezed in tight. Once the babies fly away, the mother's job is done. Will she still see her babies? Will they come back to visit?

The mother hummingbird has been focused, building that nest, protecting those eggs, feeding those babies, and then what? Does the mother enjoy her new-found free time? Does she wonder...what next?

As a mom, you just do your job and then one day wonder...where did all that time go? I've been raising my family, which is exactly what I wanted to do with my time. But what about what I wanted to be when I grew up?

Continued tomorrow...

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


If you sew, then you know that the French word for dress or garment is robe. I was watching a program and the men were wearing robes. Long tunics, all the way to the ground. The fabric was woven and probably linen. Even if you don't get the complete picture, the idea is - those guys looked great! I mean, they looked manly. They were wearing dresses! If you saw a guy at the mall wearing a robe, you would think he was in a cult or was a monk. Why do robes have a strictly religious association? How, when did this happen? I would love to be wearing flowing robes all the time. They look so comfortable. And you can really show off some fantastic fabric. Modern design is always pinning and tucking and cinching women into their clothes to show off their "assets." But is it comfortable? At my age, even jeans aren't comfortable. A nightgown is comfortable. And a beautiful, flowing robe that I can wear in public would be like heaven. I am seriously thinking about starting to wear this style of clothing. But am I ready for the feedback? Will people stare? Will anyone be supportive? I know I can't get away with wearing a robe to work. Jobs require a certain "uniform" of dress. And I'm not talking muu-muus here. A drapey, flowing robe in a bright, beautiful print - sort of African-style. In the summer, the robe can be made from lightweight cotton in soft colors. Maybe I could pull it off if I walk tall and look people right in the eye. You know, I know who I am and I can wear this, so don't give me any grief. It's a dream I have.

Friday, April 10, 2009


I'm supposed to wear glasses to correct my eyesight but I hardly do. I don't like wearing my glasses all day long. I have a big screen TV - I can see the images just fine. What I can't read is the tiny TV menu from across the room in my bedroom, but I just squint and can usually get by. I have one pair of glasses that help me see long distance only. The glasses I should be wearing all day long are progressives with corrections for up close, computer distance, and far away. I end up using my drug store magnifiers for knitting and reading because they are just enough for what I need. I don't have to tilt my head up and down trying to get the right angle like I do with my progressives. This morning, I happened to have my magnifiers on when I was washing my hands and I looked down and I could see the faucet so clearly. I could really see it. The slightly fuzzy blur I usually experience was crisp and clean. Typically, I don't need to see the details throughout the house but I'm thinking about what I've been missing. Should I wear my progressives and allow myself to discover those missing details or stay with the fuzzy view and enjoy the blissful ignorance of a watercolor world?

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


Friends. You meet them for coffee. You chat about your kids. You talk about the economy and Barack Obama. You share stories about your life. And then there's a break in the conversation and you find yourself sharing your personal story of despondency and confusion and you know you are not alone. Their stories become even more personal and the bonds become stronger. Friends can be wonderful as a group and even more special one on one. My friends are holding me up right now. They are treasures in my heart and I carry them with me until we meet again.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Today is the day I start talking

Although my angst began with quitting my job for a self-esteem lowering boss and the subsequent search for a replacement job, I realize that my renewed search for meaning may stem from this being my 50th birthday year. I wasn't worried about this big number until I found myself questioning my job search and brainstorming other ways to make money. Now I am back to the search for meaning and purpose in my life and I am open to wherever that search will lead.
And, I have a lot to say.