Something new

I had to take a day to sort my thoughts...I had so many. They were going in all directions and some of them were negative. You wouldn't believe how many messages I received in the shows I watched, what I read, what I received in the mail. When you're open and searching, the answers can be found.

So it's this - live the life you want to live now. Sure, we all have obligations, but we can do small things to make our lives more interesting. I am going to try a martini. I really don't drink alcohol but my dad drank martinis and I'm thinking, Hey, if not now, when? Do I want a gin martini or a vodka martini? I may have to try both! The point is...what have I been waiting for? I don't really want a martini; I just want the experience of having tried the martini.

I've been living like I will do that when I'm...what? Older? Well, I'm older now, baby! I am definitely a grown-up and can do what I choose to do. So, what do I choose to do? I'm making a list of things I want to do in the next 5 years, 10 years. Perhaps I'll set some closer goals - in the next month, 6 months, year. I'm getting excited about the possibilities. Because once I know what my goals are, I can achieve them. I'm figuring out my goals and going for it. Face the fear!

Hummingbirds

There's a hummingbird nest in a tree in our front yard. My husband found it when he was trimming the tree and a branch he had cut down had a tiny nest attached to it. The birds were inside laying on their backs waiting for their mom to stuff their beaks with regurgitated nourishment. When the trimming was done, my husband secured the cut branch onto another branch in the tree and we waited to see if the mother would find her babies again. She did! Now, you can see my husband daily watching the nest through his binoculars making sure those baby birds are okay. Well, they are. They are now upright in the nest always looking and waiting for Mom to bring them food.

I've been watching the mother hummingbird. Suddenly, she's in sight, hovering around the tree. She darts around as if she doesn't know where the nest is. Then, she's hovering over her babies, opening her beak into theirs, doing her job. When she's done, she flies to another branch further away and rests. You don't often see a hummingbird resting. They are so tiny and slender. I marvel that the nest is only big enough for the two babies who are squeezed in tight. Once the babies fly away, the mother's job is done. Will she still see her babies? Will they come back to visit?

The mother hummingbird has been focused, building that nest, protecting those eggs, feeding those babies, and then what? Does the mother enjoy her new-found free time? Does she wonder...what next?

As a mom, you just do your job and then one day wonder...where did all that time go? I've been raising my family, which is exactly what I wanted to do with my time. But what about what I wanted to be when I grew up?

Continued tomorrow...

Robes

If you sew, then you know that the French word for dress or garment is robe. I was watching a program and the men were wearing robes. Long tunics, all the way to the ground. The fabric was woven and probably linen. Even if you don't get the complete picture, the idea is - those guys looked great! I mean, they looked manly. They were wearing dresses! If you saw a guy at the mall wearing a robe, you would think he was in a cult or was a monk. Why do robes have a strictly religious association? How, when did this happen? I would love to be wearing flowing robes all the time. They look so comfortable. And you can really show off some fantastic fabric. Modern design is always pinning and tucking and cinching women into their clothes to show off their "assets." But is it comfortable? At my age, even jeans aren't comfortable. A nightgown is comfortable. And a beautiful, flowing robe that I can wear in public would be like heaven. I am seriously thinking about starting to wear this style of clothing. But am I ready for the feedback? Will people stare? Will anyone be supportive? I know I can't get away with wearing a robe to work. Jobs require a certain "uniform" of dress. And I'm not talking muu-muus here. A drapey, flowing robe in a bright, beautiful print - sort of African-style. In the summer, the robe can be made from lightweight cotton in soft colors. Maybe I could pull it off if I walk tall and look people right in the eye. You know, I know who I am and I can wear this, so don't give me any grief. It's a dream I have.

Vision

I'm supposed to wear glasses to correct my eyesight but I hardly do. I don't like wearing my glasses all day long. I have a big screen TV - I can see the images just fine. What I can't read is the tiny TV menu from across the room in my bedroom, but I just squint and can usually get by. I have one pair of glasses that help me see long distance only. The glasses I should be wearing all day long are progressives with corrections for up close, computer distance, and far away. I end up using my drug store magnifiers for knitting and reading because they are just enough for what I need. I don't have to tilt my head up and down trying to get the right angle like I do with my progressives. This morning, I happened to have my magnifiers on when I was washing my hands and I looked down and I could see the faucet so clearly. I could really see it. The slightly fuzzy blur I usually experience was crisp and clean. Typically, I don't need to see the details throughout the house but I'm thinking about what I've been missing. Should I wear my progressives and allow myself to discover those missing details or stay with the fuzzy view and enjoy the blissful ignorance of a watercolor world?

Buoyancy

Friends. You meet them for coffee. You chat about your kids. You talk about the economy and Barack Obama. You share stories about your life. And then there's a break in the conversation and you find yourself sharing your personal story of despondency and confusion and you know you are not alone. Their stories become even more personal and the bonds become stronger. Friends can be wonderful as a group and even more special one on one. My friends are holding me up right now. They are treasures in my heart and I carry them with me until we meet again.

Today is the day I start talking

Although my angst began with quitting my job for a self-esteem lowering boss and the subsequent search for a replacement job, I realize that my renewed search for meaning may stem from this being my 50th birthday year. I wasn't worried about this big number until I found myself questioning my job search and brainstorming other ways to make money. Now I am back to the search for meaning and purpose in my life and I am open to wherever that search will lead.
And, I have a lot to say.